Smoothie Shite

With all the recent media attention about how the population of the UK can benefit from a healthier and more active lifestyle, we decided to take a visit to our local Tesco supermarket to see what they had on offer. We were quite surprised that such a small store had such a wide variety of healthy products.

All that was left for us to do, was to pick out a product at random, take it home and test it. Well, that seemed like a simple enough concept at the time, but when we got home, the reminder came that we knew was bound to happen. The product we had chosen was from their "Finest" range, so we knew we were in for a treat. Or so we thought. As we poured the liquid into the glass, the consistency and texture looked very much like baby vomit. The smell was worse. It smelled like a mixture of stale vomit and alcohol. Not very nice indeed. So, not to be put off by these minor imperfections in an otherwise "outstanding" product. It was time to taste the Strawberry and Banana Smoothie.

With our nostrils clamped shut with a clothes peg, in a cartoon-esque way, we braced ourselves and took a sip. Trying very hard not to gag and not spit out the baby-vomit smoothie, we painfully forced it down. It was at that point we decided not to finish the remaining 450ml and poured the contents down the sink. Not five minutes later, we were writing an official complaint to Tesco's head office. 

RE: Tesco Strawberry & Banana Smoothie

Dear Sir/Madam,
                      Recently I purchased a carton of your Strawberry and Banana Smoothie at my local Tesco store. I had heard a lot about them, so I was willing to try it to see what all the fuss was about.

Unfortunately however, when I returned home and opened the carton, the smell hit me like nothing I have ever smelt before. When I poured it into the glass, the liquid had the same consistency and smell of liquidised baby vomit. I thought no more of it, surely it couldn’t taste as bad as it looked and smelled.

I was very wrong.

I took a mouthful of ‘Tesco Liquidised Vomit’ and, luckily I was still in the kitchen, spat it straight into the sink. Not only did it look and smell like liquidised vomit. It tasted like vomit too.

As a frequent shopper at Tesco, I wasn’t best pleased with this product. I poured the contents down the sink and binned the carton, mentally drafting this letter to you. Even now, as I sit here two days later, I can still taste the foul substance at the back of my throat, it will not leave me alone.

I can only hope that you will remove this product from your shelves forthwith.

About a week later, the official reply came back from Tesco. It wasn't the best reply in the world, but as it was a reply it has to be posted.

Dear Sir,
             Thank you for contacting us. I'm very sorry that you're unhappy with the Tesco Finest Strawberry & Banana Smoothie you recently bought from us.

Normally, I'd ask our supplier to look into your complaint, but unfortunately without the packaging information, I'm unable to do so. The packaging allows us to identify the right product and supplier, as well as the batch it came from.

If you still have the packaging, or find a fault with any product in future, please take it to your local store with a sample of the product (if you have one). Our staff will then complete a customer complaint form, which will allow us to look into this further for you. Alternatively, you can send the packaging to me at the above address.

Thank you for letting us know. I hope that you'll continue to shop with us in the future.

Yours faithfully
For and on behalf of Tesco Stores Ltd

Chris Scott
Customer Service Manager.

Then, a few days later, Tesco decided to send me a questionnaire to complete and send back to them. Naturally, I sent them a very unhappy bunch of answers to their stupid questions. Then I heard nothing more from Tesco after that. But this matter goes unresolved. So I decided to send them another letter.

Dear Sir/Madam,

                           Thank you for your reply to my original complaint regarding the strawberry and banana smoothie.

Unfortunately I am not in the habit of keeping discarded packaging around my house, in the hope that it will, one day, become useful to send off to companies like you whenever I have a complaint.

I am seeking recompense for having had the misfortune to purchase one of your “Finest” smoothies, only to be deeply disappointed by an inferior product in the Tesco range.

I await your reply.

Cogsy@ST

A few more days pass, and another letter from the bods at Tesco Customer Services pops through the letterbox.

Dear Sir
          Thank you for contacting me.

I'm very sorry that you're unhappy with my reply to your complaint. It was never my intention to annoy you further.

Please let me explain.

As you didn't send the receipt or the packaging for your Tesco Finest Strawberry & Banana Smoothie, we had no way of knowing where or when you bought the item or exactly how much you paid for it.

However, if you still have the receipt, or any relevant payment card transaction slip, please send me a copy. I'll me more than happy to send you the balance of your purchase.

Unfortunately, if neither of these is (sic) available, then I'm very sorry but I won't be able to help you further.

Thank you for taking the trouble to contact me again.

Yours faithfully
For and on behalf of Tesco Stores Ltd

Chris Scott
Customer Service Manager

Oh well. It seems that if you want a refund from Tesco you have to keep discarded, mouldy packaging until they ask for it. I have neither of the requested items, so it looks like I'm about 79p out of pocket. Keep clicking them Google-Ads to help me regain that cash!